As you know I am part of a group of ladies from around the globe who photograph to a set theme each fortnight.
This past fortnight the theme was set and since it was I have done everything in my power to pretend that it wasn’t.
I am posting a day late out of sheer avoidance – sorry to let you down girls.
I never post my photo without writting and it was that which i was avoiding most.
I live for the now, I live for tomorrow – ask me to reflect and I usually cry crocodile tears. Honestly i just do.
So when I read that we had to post to the theme reflect I was paralysed with a gripping fear. Don’t make me look back.
I am always a little left of centre and now more so than ever.
I have spent the last 5 years running as fast as possible out of each day and into the next to see if it is a little clearer, maybe a little brighter
& when it hasn’t been I put my head down and run again until the next sun rises.
I apologise in advance if this isn’t the happy go lucky type of post you were hopeing for – I did try to make something up – but it’s just not me.
Sometime around 5 years ago I think I broke a mirror. For ever since it has been a long solid battle of firsts, of lasts and of forever goodbyes.
One damn crocodile tear after another ( and here they go again ) sometimes in frustration, sometimes in fear, sometimes from a place so lonely I still don’t know
that anyone else could ever visit me there. This coupled with the joyous heights of a beautiful growing boy, a beautiful baby girl & friends that know who I am and the road I have travelled.
Across these 5 years, I have seen love lost in the despair of darkness, I have had too many phone calls that start with nothing but the sound of desperate crying on the other end
and colminate with a group of people farewelling someone we have all loved. I have been held up by friends that knew I was to fragile to stand. My choices have been accepted by my family
who have allowed me to follow my own path regardless of the fear they held for me.
If I were to honestly reflect I would say -:
I have learnt more about myself in the past 5 years than I have in the 30 years before that.
I am truly blessed to have been loved by the people in my world.
I have felt love greater than I would ever have known possible had it not been for this big wild ride we have been on.
I no longer accept that time will heal all – I don’t believe it does I just believe you change to heal yourself.
I accept that change is inevitable in all of us, and vow to either embrace it or to be brave enough to move on.
Life is too short to drink bad wine, so I once heard and isn’t that the truth – I can’t take back and repeat these past years so I am taking what I have learnt and moving on.
Onto happiness – onto calm, onto more giggles and scooter rides and into the future with as much courage and hope as I can muster.
I have learnt that while i might sometimes be down I am never out – no one and nothing will break my spirit – I will settle for nothing less than I believe possible.
I have learnt that no amount of sorry can undo a hurt.
I have learnt that coffee with a friend is so much better than medicine.
I have learnt – I have a lot still to learn.
I have learnt life is only what i make of it.
I have learnt to look for the bright side of the street.
I have learnt sand on your feet and sunshine on your face feels incredible any season of the year.
I have learnt that I must live to chase my dreams
I know I will work harder than I have ever worked before to achieve my goals.
I have learnt that spending time with my family is having the time of my life.
That every minute I allow someone or something to upset me – is a minute that i can never replace and that is too much time to giveaway to darkness.
I have learnt to take the time to reflect as hard as it maybe for me – it reminds me of just how far I have come and how fortunate I am to have experienced every single minute of it .
Crocodile tears and all.
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